Losing Myself

I saw this sign/meme on a DID page on Facebook. I thought it was kind of funny, and kind of sad, and really true. It’s the main reason I don’t like to go “inside” to work without someone who can help – I’m ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I am a bit afraid of getting lost. For me, that means that maybe the main “me” that is up gets submerged while someone else comes up and takes over and does things without my knowledge or consent.

I was also thinking about Yeshua’s words to His disciples (that includes me) about losing our lives. He said:

“He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.  (26)  If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor.” John 12:25-26 NKJV

This helps me in a way that most might not think of if they didn’t have DID; I can never truly get lost “inside”, though I might get “misplaced” or waylaid or delayed, because I belong to Yeshua/Jesus! And nothing can separate me from His love! He has placed His angels inside to watch over the many personalities of “me”, over all my alters, and He is helping me learn to overcome as we go through my system together.

I know no other way to help those who have SRA/DID except to involve Yeshua/Jesus. He is the one who created us with the ability to dissociate in the first place. He created this mechanism within us to save our lives. So this is no surprise to Him! He is the one who made it so He will teach us how to navigate it, no matter the booby traps or other nasty surprises the evil ones have put in there. HE ALONE IS THE KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS! JESUS ALWAYS WINS!!

If you, too, have SRA/DID, please lead your alters to Yeshua/Jesus so He can give you HIS life! That is the best way to safeguard your life, and to ensure that eventually you will become whole. If you need help learning how to do that, please feel free to drop me an email.

Love,

Cate, et al

 

 

Who’s Up?

Who’s Up?

Last night my husband and I took our six-month-old pup, Bailey, and went out for a walk. I love it when we leave all the electronic umbilical cords at home and just take time to talk.

We were strolling past the park, shuffling through the big oak leaves that showed pale gold, brown, and orange in the street lights, and enjoying the slight nip in the air. As we were chatting about this and that, my thoughts turned to someone we both love and for whom we are mutually concerned.

I  began to explain what I was thinking about telling this loved one if the situation warranted a firmer position than what I’ve previously taken. In the middle of listing what I thought needed to be said, my husband quickly interjected. He told me that I had already said those words, and he even listed off the other things I was about to tell him – I had already said the firm words. But I had no recollection of it. I still don’t.

It is preposterous, what I’m about to say. If you’ve never had this experience it will be hard to relate to…

See, this disturbed me. I was disappointed. I felt a sense of unrest and betrayal. Though it was clearly one of “us” – you know, me, myself, I and all the rest – who gave the advice, I felt kind of stunned. Since two of us are usually up and aware (Cate/Grace), and share co-consciousness, this was very disquieting to discover that there is obviously someone who has not yet identified herself (assuming it’s a “her”) to us, and she takes the main stage sometimes.

It’s not even that my mystery alter said or did anything inappropriate. I couldn’t argue that it was needed counsel she gave, and I was actually relieved that I didn’t have to build up my courage to say hard words because I had already said them. I was even kind of happy that there was agreement “within” on the subject. But I felt like some other “me” stole my place, usurped my authority, spoke out of turn, and didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me about it. And I wondered how often this has happened.

In addition to my own feelings of ambivalence, what about the consequences to others? What if I had another conversation with that person and had no idea that I had already said those words? How awkward would it be to repeat them as if saying them for the first time? Would I even recognize any discomfort as resulting from words I had already spoken? Would I make the leap and catch up if the other person began to address what I said last time?

This isn’t the first time someone has said “You already told me that”.

I know that some chalk it up to getting older, repeating oneself, etc. But I’m not even 60, and my mind is sharp and alert. It’s just that it’s insulting to my sense of fair play, and makes me look weak and foolish in the eyes of others, and I can’t even explain it because that’s a whole can of worms I really don’t want to open.

I wish I had an answer. But as a temporary solution, I’m thinking about installing a bulletin board “inside” and asking my incognito alters to check in once in a while. It would be nice to know who’s up, and who is taking over unbeknown to me.

Cate

A FALSE GOSPEL? ANOTHER JESUS? YES! AND THAT’S NOT ALL!

As you know if you’ve visited my blog, I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), which used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). I spend more and more time lately working with other multiples to teach them what I have learned so they can help themselves deal with their “inside” space, or the spiritual dimension where their alters and fragments reside when they are not “up front”.

I’ve been a pastor, teaching, healing and equipping others in the Body of Christ for over 18 years. Yes, I was a multi even then, but being multiple is not a mental disease or a condition of demonic possession. I can discern spirits, travel in the spirit, do battle in the spirit, and many other things as God has gifted and/or guided me. This does not make me special, but it does mean that as a disciple of Jesus/Yeshua, I am qualified to teach. As a multi who has experience with all of these issues, I am doubly qualified. Now that I’ve got my pedigree out of the way, I will proceed.

I recently wrote a post about battle strategies to help multis (people who have multiple personalities or alters) learn how to defend and navigate their systems safely. (You can read it on my blog – here’s the address: https://catenfriends.wordpress.com/2016/10/19/battle-strategies-1/)  Without repeating a lot of what I said in that post I will state the most important point: TRY THE SPIRITS TO SEE WHETHER THEY ARE OF GOD!

Please note:

This is not an attack on any ministry or person. This is not an attempt to slam or shame anyone.

Please read the love and concern I have for my fellow multis who are being taught or led astray, and do not take a position of opposition because you might read something here with which you take exception. I am issuing a warning, and those who do not need the warning need not read further.

I am writing to clarify and teach how to recognize a false gospel, a false Jesus, and even false locations in the spiritual dimension, so that we can all recognize and take note of how to discern these things every time!

There is a great blessing in helping pull a brother or sister out of a ditch! It is not “judgmental” of us to attempt to help someone we see is heading down the wrong path. In fact if we see it happening and we do NOT sound a warning, the consequences to that one will also be our consequences – their blood will be on our hands.

If after you have read this, you agree that I have told you the truth, and you want to help warn others, please feel free to disseminate this message far and wide. May God grant you to share in the reward with those who are blessed and helped by this message. Amen.

The View From the Wall

I’ve been seeing a very disturbing thing lately, and I have prayed about how to warn my brothers and sisters about it. Because there has not been enough instruction about testing the spirits, many people are falling prey to wicked delusions that are causing danger to multis (among others).

When the system of a multi has been compromised, it doesn’t simply lead to bad days and evil dreams, it can lead to spiritual imprisonment, injury, and even death.

People are being deceived and it is putting their souls in jeopardy. Satan is not a creator, he can only imitate, but he is a deceiver. He is bringing around the oldest sin in the book, and it’s playing on the internal movie screens of many unsuspecting men and women who are doing things in the spiritual realm without first safeguarding themselves properly. People are falling for false entities, and are even being led to false “locations” or visions because they do not test the spirits to see whether they are of God!

What false entities are people encountering in the spiritual realm? There are false angels, false Jesus, and false saints. There are aliens, mermaids, unicorns, dragons, hell dogs, and all manner of other evil and unclean spirits; all of these are actually evil, but some are in disguise as special beings.

In fact, some believers have been practicing judging Fallen Angels in the “Courts of Heaven” and saying these angels are now forgiven and working for the right side. What God has judged cannot be set aside by man.

Paul’s teaching on judging angels is found here:

“(3) Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life?” 1 Corinthians 6:3

Rendering this as God’s angels is faulty exegesis. The “angels” (aggelos) we will be judging are more aptly rendered “messengers” or “pastors” who have taught the message of Christ to others!

Back to Fallen Angels: make no mistake, those fallen angels who left their first estate have been reserved in darkness and will be thrown into the Lake of Fire prepared for them and for the devil. Anyone who teaches something different is calling God a liar, and is subverting His Truth and His Word – either because they are in ignorance of God’s word, or because they have been seduced by the deceiver. Here is God’s Word on the matter:

“(41) Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: Mathew 25:41 

“(6) And the angels who did not keep their proper domain, but left their own abode, He has reserved in everlasting chains under darkness for the judgment of the great day;” Jude 1:6

“(4) For if God did not spare the angels who sinned, but cast them down to hell and delivered them into chains of darkness, to be reserved for judgment;” 2 Peter 2:4

Satan is known as the Prince of the Power of the Air, and his work is to entice us to fulfill the lust of our flesh, the desires of our flesh and our minds so that we become children of wrath! He wants to destroy our relationship, or better, prevent it so that he takes us away from God! He hates us, and he will do anything within his power to stop us from obeying God.

“(1) And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins,  (2)  in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience,  (3)  among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.” Ephesians 2:1-3

To Satan it was given power over all the kingdoms of the world, and so he tried to tempt Jesus with it by offering to Him what was His by right. The real temptation was that Satan was offering to get Jesus to bow down and bypass what He would do to save the world. Though Satan could not have known all of Jesus’ plan, it was enough that he knew that Jesus was God, and if he could tempt Him he would gain power over Him.

“(8) Again, the devil took Him up on an exceedingly high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory.  (9)  And he said to Him, “All these things I will give You if You will fall down and worship me.”  (10)  Then Jesus said to him, “Away with you, Satan! For it is written, ‘YOU SHALL WORSHIP THE LORD YOUR GOD, AND HIM ONLY YOU SHALL SERVE.'” Matthew 4:8-10 

What does this have to do with us? It means that if he can, Satan will seduce us into trying to become like God without being His disciples. He offers what is our birth right, but he puts a hook in it to lead us astray.

An example of this is a vision/dream I had where Satan came to me and showed me a celestial map of the portals that led to other dimensions, so that I could travel to different dimensions. All I had to do to receive this map was to kiss him. I refused him flatly, and the map disappeared. What I learned from this dream is that I could already travel to other dimensions if I had a reason to do so, and the Spirit of God would give me safe conduct. I didn’t really need that map.

What false locations or visions are people encountering in the spiritual realm? False “inside spaces” (in the case of people with DID/MPD), false Courts of Heaven, false pools or other bodies of water to trick multis into thinking these are healing waters when instead they trap the multis in their broken condition.

False Gospel, Another Spirit, False Seers, False Prophets, False Dreams, and Another Jesus

“(3) But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.  (4) For if he who comes preaches another Jesus whom we have not preached, or if you receive a different spirit which you have not received, or a different gospel which you have not accepted—you may well put up with it!” 2 Corinthians 11:3-4 

When people get away from the truth of the Word, they can easily be led astray by the serpent. When teachers teach things that are contrary to a simple Gospel (good news), they lead others astray. There is condemnation for those who teach from their own souls, or worse, from false visions given from a different spirit. Jesus had this to say:

“(22) For false christs and false prophets will rise and show signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.  (23)  But take heed; see, I have told you all things beforehand.” Mark 13:22-23 

It was the sin of pride that caused Eve to listen to the lies of the serpent. Pride can make someone unwilling to bend or receive instruction! There was a lie mixed in with some truth, and Eve did not discern it. She was so puffed up by the serpent’s promise that she would be made wise like God that she fell for that lie. Pride can keep a person firmly set in a disastrous course!

Jesus mentioned Satan and demons and evil spirits more often than any other writer or prophet of the Old or New Testament. In His “Great Commission” He told his disciples, among other things, to cast out demons! He warned His disciples to be on guard against Satan, and warned that many of them would be hunted and afflicted by the devil on account of their faith and their ministry. It wasn’t because they didn’t believe enough, or because they harbored secret sin! Jesus gave them the Holy Spirit after He left, and said it would be enough to help the Disciples to carry out the work He gave to them and all Disciples who followed, including you and me.

“(1) Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy,  (2)  fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.  (3)  Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  (4)  Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.  (5)  Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,  (6)  who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God,  (7)  but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men.  (8)  And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.  (9)  Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name,  (10)  that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth,  (11)  and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:1-11 

False Shepherds and Teachers, and Students with Itching Ears

What does it mean to have itching ears? It is a longing for what is forbidden! When we long for what is forbidden we are committing idolatry – spiritual adultery – towards our Heavenly Father. The natural sequence of events after that is that those who long for what is forbidden will not be able to listen to the real, pure truth of the Gospel, so they will park themselves in the land of fables (rendered as Fiction in Strong’s). While fiction is entertaining, we all understand it is not the truth, and if we reject the truth for fiction, we are no longer followers of the Way, but have turned aside from the true Path.

“(1) Ask the LORD for rain In the time of the latter rain. The LORD will make flashing clouds; He will give them showers of rain, Grass in the field for everyone.  (2)  For the idols speak delusion; The diviners envision lies, And tell false dreams; They comfort in vain. Therefore the people wend their way like sheep; They are in trouble because there is no shepherd. Zechariah 10:1-2

Look at any teaching that titillates or thrills us, and we can see the motive behind our desire! Is it exotic? Is it possibly dangerous? Does it require us to walk beyond the boundaries God has set for His children? Follow the fruit! Anything not of Love is not of God.

“(1) I charge you therefore before God and the Lord Jesus Christ, who will judge the living and the dead at His appearing and His kingdom:  (2)  Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching.  (3)  For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers;  (4)  and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables. 2 Timothy 4:1-4

False Apostles and Satan’s Angels of Light

“(13) For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into apostles of Christ.  (14)  And no wonder! For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light.  (15) Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works.” 2 Corinthians 11:13-15 

People can become so bewildered (this means left out in the wilderness, or lost) when you talk about false apostles and angels of light. They don’t believe in such things these days, and therefore they tend to skip over this part of the Bible. Satan’s greatest victory is won when people do not believe he exists. If he doesn’t exist, then he is not roaming about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.

“(8) Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:” 1Pe 5:8 

People who are not warned to be on guard are the very ones who will fall victim to irresponsible or evil teaching. The church needs to learn how to discern spirits and test every word by the Word of God. The Holy Spirit is the one who convicts and convinces a man concerning sin, righteousness and judgment. If we have the Holy Spirit, we also have access to the gifts of the Spirit – among which is the discernment of spirits. But those who do not believe in this “spiritual stuff” or who don’t care, will easily be led astray.

Test the Fruit

There is a righteous law that we must obey; if it were not so, then Jesus would not have condemned those who practice lawlessness (or violation of law). Those who disobey Jesus are disobeying the Law of Love (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself), and God’s righteous laws (Ten Commandments, which Jesus many times told His disciples to keep).

False teachers, false apostles, and false prophets will scream “LEGALISM” and in so doing promote lawlessness that puts their followers in danger of sinning. Why do they do it? Because they want to fulfill the lusts of their own flesh, the lust of their eyes, and the boastful pride of life. If they followed the Law of Love, they would not knowingly endanger their disciples by teaching them to disobey Christ.

Jesus had the following to say to His disciples:

“(15) Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.  (16)  You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?  (17)  Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.  (18)  A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.  (19)  Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.  (20)  Therefore by their fruits you will know them.  (21)  “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.  (22)  Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’  (23)  And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’ Matthew 7:15-23 

What is the point of asking God for greater revelation when we won’t even obey the simplicity of what He has already told us? The pride of a man makes him think he is smarter, bigger, better, faster, and worthy of more knowledge than his mates. And this is the age old sin of pride. The teacher doesn’t fall in his sin alone, but drags many others behind him, and he will face a greater condemnation from Christ. This is the fate of the one who does not teach from love, but from exaltation of himself. Self-promotion, self-glorification, and the desire for wealth all propel a false teacher, preacher, apostle and prophet toward the road to condemnation.

Test the Spirits

And then test them again! Once is not enough! Every spirit must be tested every time you meet in order to be certain that an imposter is not present.

“(1) Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.  (2) By this you know the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ IS come in the flesh is of God, (3) and every spirit that does not confess that Jesus Christ IS come in the flesh is not of God. And this is the spirit of the Antichrist, which you have heard was coming, and is now already in the world.” 1 John 4:1-3 

You may ask why there are so many imposters, demons and evil spirits sighted in a multiple’s spiritual dimension; alters and fragments are often created while evil spirits are invoked by the people who are torturing the multi. Therefore it is no wonder that evil spirits cling like opportunistic infections on the poor traumatized multiple.

ALL Spirits are 100% Subject to Christ! The guarantee we have is that God’s word tells us our authority in Christ to cast out demons. No question about it!

“(9) Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, (10) that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, (11) and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” Philippians 2:9-11 

Furthermore, Jesus disarmed Principalities and Powers! He has already given us the victory!

“(13) And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven you all trespasses,  (14)  having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.  (15) Having disarmed principalities and powers, He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them in it.” Colossians 2:13-15 

The Devil and his angels, along with the Beast and the False Prophet, will be thrown in Lake of Fire! The devil hates God, and he hates us! Because his time is short, he is working feverishly to get as many of God’s children to fall off the track as possible. He knows his end is near, God told him a long time ago:

“(12) His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself.  (13)  He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God.  (14)  And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses.  (15)  Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.  (16)  And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.  (17)  Then I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the birds that fly in the midst of heaven, “Come and gather together for the supper of the great God,  (18)  that you may eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and of those who sit on them, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, both small and great.”  (19)  And I saw the beast, the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army.  (20)  Then the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who worked signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image. These two were cast alive into the lake of fire burning with brimstone.  (21)  And the rest were killed with the sword which proceeded from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse. And all the birds were filled with their flesh.” Revelation 19:12-21 

“(41) Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: Mathew 25:41 

“(10) The devil, who deceived them, was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone where the beast and the false prophet are. And they will be tormented day and night forever and ever. Revelation 20:10 

I pray that those who see truth here will be helped by the Lord to re-index your “files”. May you receive the spirit of wisdom so that you may accept His Word. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ cover you. May you grow up into maturity in Christ, a wise son or daughter, full of love and good fruit. May you hear these words of Jesus:

“(23) ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.‘ Matthew 25:23 

Pastora Cate

 

Shining Man – Thoughts on DID 1

I spend a lot of time thinking about DID/MPD because I live with it every day. I wonder how many people I know right now, today, are trying to cope with something they barely understand. How many wish they knew someone with DID so they could talk, compare notes, ask questions, or just be.

A 76 year old man, Ellis Skolfield, wrote a book after working with multiples for over ten years. He wasn’t a psychiatrist or psychologist. He was just someone who knew Jesus and fervently loved all the multis he met – first online, and later even as guests in his home. His book, The Shining Man with Hurt Hands, was truly ground-breaking. He found that if he treated people with DID/MPD as if they were telling the truth, he would learn from them and earn their trust, subsequently earning the ability to help them in their world.

“Therapists and clergymen are probably doing the best they can, but both are using treatments that don’t work. After literally thousands of hours with dozens of multis, I am now of the opinion that MPD is not a mental disorder at all, but a unique multidimensional condition that can be treated by working exclusively in what multiples call their “inside.” Alters are not demons, and in most instances there is nothing wrong with the multiple’s mind.” (Skolfield, 2004)

The signs of DID/MPD are: hearing voices, missing time, seeing an inner landscape of some type, and experience of trauma beginning as a child. There is such stigma attached to DID/MPD that most who suffer do not discuss it with others for fear of being ostracized or ridiculed, or worse, hospitalized against their wishes. Many multiples carry shame that does not belong to them, and the enemy is often able to inflict great damage on them.

“There isn’t any group of people on earth more in need of help than multiples. Of those I have known (well over a hundred), all have been physically, emotionally, sexually abused, or victims of Satanic ritual abuse (SRA), abuses that sometimes continued into adulthood. Some multiples have also been psychologically programmed (translate that brainwashed) by Satanic cults, sadomasochists or occult groups like the Illuminati. Most have few childhood memories, their “mems” as they call them, having been totally blocked out. Since every multiple has been grossly abused as an infant, it is reasonable to conclude that infant abuse is at least one cause of the condition.

“Multis also have a host of chronic physical ailments: diabetes, asthma, hypertension, arthritis, etc., the incidence of these maladies appearing to be far above the statistical norm. Multis also have an impaired sense of touch and diminished peripheral vision.

“Many alters are in severe emotional pain. If a dark alter “gets out” (i.e., gains control of the body), even for a few minutes, there is panic and terror – flashbacks of extreme physical, sexual, or ritual abuse – torture, injury and even death. The emotional pain can be so severe that hurting the body is the only way the alter knows to alleviate his suffering. Arms and legs are slashed with razor blades or broken glass. Dark alters know the difference between a longitudinal and a lateral cut to a vein. They know which is the most difficult to repair and most likely to kill. For some alters, suicide is the goal.

“Others burn the body with cigarettes, candles or hot irons, which explains why many multis wear long-sleeved blouses, even on the hottest summer days. Multiples with dangerous alters keep a good first aid kit on hand to repair the damage done by their dark alters. A  [1]“defender”might want to tell you about the “cutter’ or a “burner” in their system, but in telling you, they are afraid you won’t like them or be their friend anymore, which of course isn’t so.

“All multis are secretive about what they are going through, rightly fearing they would be shunned by society or institutionalized. No wonder so many are suicidal.” (Skolfield, 2004)

Some of my alters definitely were demonized, and their job was to maim and kill me. I’ve cut myself, I’ve been suicidal, I’ve tried to will myself to die when I was very sick, and gone through years of depression. If anyone got too close to discovering what I was doing, I would switch and become a different person, completely throwing them off-balance so they would doubt themselves and leave me alone. It’s been quite a task trying to recreate certain scenes even in the past 15 years, and quite shocking to learn that I am missing time even as recently as a few years ago.

Even though I never attempted suicide, I have died three times. I met Jesus on one of those occasions, and I was on my face before Him, repenting for wanting to kill myself. I realized that life is a gift, and He sent me back to keep living. Eventually I came to understand why I was suicidal, and I have received deliverance and much healing in Jesus’ name.

Years ago I knew a young woman – I’ll call her Annie – who seemed to be many different personalities. She had a blog account on a certain social network account – or rather she had four or five of them. She had attempted suicide several times, and she was a Christian. Her parents got word through some of her friends that she was hospitalized again after cutting, or taking an overdose. I prayed for her a lot, and chatted with her.

Finally I had an opportunity to meet her face to face in (we’ll say) Austin, Texas, when I accompanied my husband on a business trip. I invited her over and we talked and prayed, and since I had my guitar, we even sang some worship songs. There was no doubt that Annie loved the Lord. We had a great visit and each shared a bit of it on our blogs.

After that, I stumbled onto a new account where Annie was going by a very dark name and there were a lot of images of blood and death. I was blown away. I tried to contact her but she wouldn’t answer.

A few weeks later her parents sent word again that Annie was in the hospital again, and she had overdosed on medication so that now she was in a coma. I followed her progress for many months until my husband and I had to move to Trinidad in the West Indies. Her parents were heartbroken over Annie’s condition. Her pastors were unable to explain it. Then I lost touch. I heard that Annie died, never having recovered consciousness. [Update: I contacted an old friend to find out if she heard anything about Annie, and she said she thought she was still living in Texas. I’ll follow this trail as far as it lets me go. I hope I find her.]

At that time in my life, I was in total denial about DID. Since I was in denial, I simply accepted what I had heard – that it meant demon possession. And I grieved over Annie and wondered why God didn’t deliver her.

Now when I re-index my mental files, I see what was wrong with Annie, and I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I could comfort her parents and help them understand what happened to their daughter. I suppose that’s all you can do in retrospect.

But I’m not satisfied. Now I ask God to show me the truth of DID and to allow me the chance to help others begin their journey to recovery.

If you need an ear, a prayer or just a loving friend to help you sort things out, please reach out. You are loved, and I will pray with you or for you.

In Jesus’ love,

Cate

 

[1] Most multiple systems have one or more “defender” alters. Their purpose is to protect other alters or the body from physical or psychological harm. They usually remain inside, only coming out during times of stress or danger. Defenders are usually open, honest and easy to get along with. I rarely met a defender I didn’t like.

Unsolved Mysteries 1

Category: Body memory I can’t explain.

I have said for many years that I feel like I have lived seven lifetimes in one. I feel exhausted sometimes for no discernible reason, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, and chronic pain syndrome aside. It’s like my brain is tired. And I really can’t point to a reason why.

My headaches have increased greatly now that I’ve opened the door for my alters to come forward. Everyone has something to say, and it is jumbled sometimes. I don’t even have a frame of reference for many of the fragments of memory I have gleaned. There are people I don’t know in those memories, and that is a frightening thing. If I didn’t have my Abba to help me, I don’t think I would have made it to this day alive, let alone sane and reasonably high-functioning, after some of the things I’ve seen in my alters’ memories.

So, last night after I went to bed I remembered something that happened when I was living in Alaska. I was in a medical program, and during one of the training sessions we had to learn and practice sterile procedure prior to placing sutures. The very first time I donned the sterile gloves without breaking the sterile field, it was automatic for me and I finished before anyone else. The physician instructor looked at me and said; “you’ve done this before.” I said: “yes, but I don’t remember when.”

I was immediately embarrassed, and covered it up by saying it must be part of my amnesia due to a traumatic brain injury (TBI) I sustained in a car accident. That’s a more socially acceptable reason than saying I was missing many years in my memory even prior to that car accident. I felt there were things at play I couldn’t understand, but I was still in denial about my DID.

The thing is, I only have two types of medical experience in my past that I can recall. The first was being a nurse assistant right out of high school, and we didn’t do anything with sterile fields back then (1973-1974). The second was all my First Responder/ Emergency Trauma Tech classes, and again, nothing about sterile field was taught. I have no recollection of learning these protocols, but it would have to be part of a program or profession that deals with more advanced medical knowledge, of that I am sure. It really bugs me that my body can have a perfect recall and duplicate something that I have no recollection learning.

I have prayed and asked the Lord Jesus to show me where I was and how I know this information. So far no answer, though it feels like I am just on the edge of discovery. It’s frustrating, this lack of control over my own memories, and the growing suspicion that I have lived a double life…

Cate

A Bruised Reed…

My beloved sisters and brothers,

There is no doubt that being a multiple can be lonely and difficult, and often frightening. There are many times we long for someone who has been there to help us find the path, the road signs,that point in the direction of wholeness.

As I was praying about how to share with you, the Lord gave me a scripture:

Mat 12:20-21 A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory. (21) And in his name shall the Gentiles trust.

I checked the original Greek with Strong’s.

That word “bruised” means:

συντρίβω, suntribō, soon-tree’-bo
From G4862 and the base of G5147; to crush completely, that is, to shatter (literally or figuratively): – break (in pieces), broken to shivers (+ -hearted), bruise.

And “break” means:

κατάγνυμι, katagnumi, kat-ag’-noo-mee
From G2596 and the base of G4486; to rend in pieces, that is, crack apart: – break.

So this verse is saying that Jesus will not tear apart one who is already shattered (a perfect description of DID/MPD). He will not capitalize on our weakness and use it to our disadvantage. Rather, He will give us hope and we will trust in Him.

Sometimes feelings of condemnation, guilt, and many fears threaten to overtake us. We feel like we don’t fit in with others, and we have a secret to guard.

Jesus is the very One who made a way for us to live through trauma by allowing us to create alters, and He knows exactly what needs to happen in order for us to heal. The One in Whom we place our trust will remain the only One who is truly able to love and complete us in our brokenness – to gather up the fragments of ourselves – and bring us unity within. His love brings freedom, and covers a multitude of sins.

Some of our alters and fragments are/were in need of healing and deliverance. Jesus is utterly trustworthy to heal and deliver you. Call out to Him, and trust Him; He will bind up your wounds and bring peace to your soul.

This is the time to rejoice in the victory that is ahead, and to praise God for you are fearfully and wonderfully made!

May the Lord give you His Shalom, and light your path through the darkness. In Yeshua’s (Jesus’) name.

Cate

 

Missing Pieces of Me – Part 2

The Alaska years

From Wichita, Kansas, we moved to Anchorage, Alaska, where my father took a position working for Radio Alaska. Later we moved to Fairbanks, where he became the manager of KFRB radio in Fairbanks. My memories of Alaska are jumbled up, and I’m not sure where some of these things took place. The following events occurred over a three to four year period. The time-line is hazy for me… I will share some personal anecdotes because they help to flesh out my feelings and impressions of my parents, which will be important to what happens along the way.

There were the three of us kids when we moved to Anchorage. Daddy worked at the radio station, but he was often out in the field gathering news and reporting on local events. One time he took me along with him for a day of publicity work. First we went to the airport where he showed me the plane he was flying (he had a private pilot’s license) from Juneau to Whitehorse and other places. Then he took me out on a commercial king crab boat. Those crabs were huge – some of them had a diameter larger than my own height – and I was terrified. With Daddy’s help, I climbed up on his shoulders and refused to come down for fear of those monsters.

One day my mother had a lady visitor come for coffee. They were sitting at the kitchen table, which had a door leading into back yard, and she sent my sister and me out to play. It was odd for my mother to have a lady friend come over – she did not get along with other women. The house we were living in had a big stockade fence surrounding the back yard.  I took my sister by the hand, and led her out of the gate and behind the fence into the area behind our yard. I saw a [1]mountain lion sitting just watching us, and first I froze and told my sister to stop. Then we carefully and slowly went back to the gate and got inside to safety. We rushed in to tell my mom and her company that we saw a lion, but neither of them believed us, no matter how much I insisted.

My brother Clifton came along, making us the Four Little “C’s”. Mom was a dog breeder, raising Weimeraners and Basenjis. My Nana later told me that Daddy also gave my mother her own radio show “It’s a Woman’s World” so that she would be too busy with radio life to take her frustrations out on me. I remember hearing her intro to her show on the radio, and I was glad she was doing the show because that meant she wasn’t at home. I knew that my mother was the one in charge in our home a great deal of the time. We were somewhat wealthy during these years, and we had nannies and nurses to care for us when our mother was away.

I don’t know what to make of this next event… for years I have told this story, and this is how I remembered it: my sister and I were in a room and Daddy came in and gave me a peeled orange, and left. I shared the orange with my sister. A little while later, Daddy came in and handed another peeled orange to my sister. I told him I had given her half of mine, and I expected him to tell her to share hers with me. But instead he said; “I didn’t tell you to share”. I’ve always felt uneasy with this scene; I could never figure out Daddy’s reasoning, because it just didn’t fit with my image of him.

But just lately as I’ve been praying for the Lord to show me things, I’ve reluctantly allowed the blinders to come off so I could interpret what I already knew but wouldn’t address. The “room” we were in was a utility closet next to the kitchen; there was a water heater, a bag of dogfood, a mop and a broom. There were no windows. I have seen my father as a hero and the apple of my eye all these years, and I just couldn’t accept that my sister and I were being kept in a closet with his knowledge. I feel certain that it wasn’t Daddy who put us there in the first place, but that he knew we’d be hungry so he brought us an orange. I can’t understand why we were kept in the closet, and I don’t know anything about what was happening elsewhere in the house.

I have another memory of all four of us kids (little brother Clifton was crawling and getting into stuff) in that utility closet and we were hungry so we decided to try the dry dogfood. I remember we all ate it, and I vomited it up later. Again, I don’t know why we were there, but we were hungry. There were no chairs or furniture to sit on, it was just a utility closet and we were standing in a sort of triangle facing each other, with Clifton crawling around on the floor in a nightgown with a drawstring at the bottom so his feet weren’t sticking out; he was pretty grubby looking, but was the happiest of the four of us.

My dad loved to camp and often took us camping in the wild beside a river. He dug a latrine for us and taught us how to sit over the edge of a log, and how to use a shovel afterwards. He caught fish for us and cooked it over the campfire. He also loved to hunt. I was Daddy’s girl, and I loved camping! Whenever we were out in the wild, my dad was definitely in charge, and my mother was usually busy with the baby or off doing her own thing.

One day Daddy brought home two gigantic king salmon. One was my height, and the other came up to my chest. Daddy wrapped one of them in foil and baked it in the oven, and we feasted on it. I was so proud that my father could bring home meat that he caught or hunted himself.

I lost my first tooth on a piece of birdshot in a Ptarmigan that we were eating for dinner. My sister knocked my second tooth out of my mouth with her head while we were tussling on the floor. She got a neat little dent in her forehead, but it soon went away, while I had the look of a jack-o-lantern and hated to see myself in the mirror.

We had a nurse/nanny who made cookies for us one day. They were white with green icing, and since green meant poison, I was sure that she meant to poison us. I took my little sister by the hand and we left. We walked several blocks, past a construction site, and the whole time I tried to reason with myself about why the nurse would want to poison us. I finally decided that we were tired and needed to go back, and so we went home and accepted the cookies.

One day I was sitting in the back yard next to the incinerator. I saw a small spider and I was so petrified of spiders that normally I would have run away. But for some reason I told myself that I could overcome my fear of spiders if I let this one climb up my arm. So I gritted my teeth and let it crawl on my hand, then up my wrist, but by the time it got to the middle of my forearm I went into a panic and shook it off, screaming. I don’t know why I was so terrified of spiders, but this is unfortunately one fear I have still not conquered – every single night of my life I check under the covers and on the walls and floor and ceiling to make sure I can’t see any spiders before I go to sleep.

One time Daddy and a man we called “Uncle” Luke went to a swap meet where Alaska Native people had booths selling their furs and goods. I became separated from Daddy and Luke as I was weaving in and out in the crowd, looking past big-people legs as I tried to see what was going on. When I realized I was lost, I started to cry out for Daddy. It wasn’t too long before he found me and scooped me up, and put me on his shoulders so I could see and stay safe.

My mother was learning to [2]fence. She and Uncle Luke were wearing strange white costumes with face guards. They fenced in the living room, but their foils were not sharp. My mother’s aggression came out when she did this, and she seemed energized by it. She laughed and flirted with Uncle Luke, and even though she didn’t really win, she claimed victory. It was fun but a little scary watching. She could be very dangerous when she was angry, (Nana told me that she once picked up a 60 pound Weimeraner and heaved it across the room in a fit of anger) and it was best to let her win.

One day my dad took me for a ride to town. He had a book in the car, and I could already read at four. I sounded out the title, and I asked him what the John Birch Society was. He said it was something that wasn’t [3]very nice, and we shouldn’t say that name in front of other people. Daddy had some business to attend to and I couldn’t accompany him, so he dropped me off at a house where a very strange old lady was babysitting a bunch of kids. She made us all sleep in cribs, and she kept moving between our cribs checking on us. I don’t know why, but I was afraid of her, so I pretended to be asleep. I hated that place and told Daddy about it when he picked me up. I begged him not to take me back there, and he said he wouldn’t.

Daddy liked to play poker, and occasionally had men over to the house for card parties. We lived in a different house, and I had a bedroom next to the dining room where Daddy and his friends were playing poker. I had a crib for a bed. I couldn’t sleep with all the noise the men were making, so I climbed out of bed and went to Daddy. I asked him if I could play poker too, and he asked the other guys if they would let me sit in for a hand. They agreed, and he told me that Poker was a very hard game to learn, and I would probably lose. He said I needed to bet something, and told me I could play if I bet my bedroom and all my toys. I quickly agreed, certain I couldn’t lose, and they dealt me in. Of course I lost, but I kept a stiff upper lip as he explained that now my room and my toys belonged to these men. Then asked the guys if they would let me have my room and my toys back if I promised not to play poker anymore, and they all agreed, so I kissed my dad and said thank you and hurried back to bed, greatly relieved. (Ironically, a few years later Daddy taught me how to play Stud Poker, Black Jack and Solitaire.)

That “bedroom” was a large closet. It was just big enough for my crib and some shelves in the back with my clothes and toys. No windows. Without going into unnecessary details, I was four years old and already aware of my own sexuality. I also knew that there was something wrong with this, so I kept it a secret. I was learning to hide things from my mother especially, in order to avoid being hit or slapped.

The house in Fairbanks was a two-story house. I had my own “bedroom”: again it was a large walk-in closet with no windows. This one was large enough for my twin bed, a dresser and a few toys. There was a hanging lamp. I remember the day the big [4]earthquake hit. I was up in my room being punished by Carol, the babysitter. The dresser drawers were coming open, the light was swinging, and my bed was shaking. At first I thought our dog, Bubu, was in the room shaking the bed, but I realized she couldn’t make the drawers move out or make the door and lamp swing, so I got up and dashed for the door, shouting for Carol. She told me to stand in the frame of the door and not to come downstairs until it stopped. I was very afraid, but after the quake and a few aftershocks, it stopped and things seemed to go back to normal.

There was no Kindergarten where we were living, so I started school in first grade. I was in school when the news came over the loudspeaker that President John F. Kennedy had been assassinated. My teacher started weeping, and so all of the students in my class became afraid and we, too, started crying.

Daddy became ill and lost his voice – later we found out that Daddy had cancer. The following we packed up and moved to the California desert to be close to Nana (Daddy’s mother). My mother went ahead to California with the two boys, and Daddy and Christi and I drove the ALCAN highway, camping all along the way. What a joy to have my daddy to myself, without my mother to interfere or punish me for every little thing.  It was an experience I have always treasured in my heart.

To be continued…

[1] Sometimes when I have shared this story, people have challenged me, saying there are no mountain lions in Alaska. While it is true that they were rare, it was not unheard of for them to range so far north, and I stand by my account of this event.

[2] Fencing, also called Olympic fencing, is a sport in which two competitors fight using ‘Rapier-style’ swords, winning points by making contact with their opponent.

[3] Upon reflection I speculate that my father was doing research for his radio show.

[4] The Great Alaska Earthquake and Tsunami of March 27, 1964. On March 27, 1964 at 5:36pm local time (March 28 at 3:36 UTC) a great earthquake of magnitude 9.2 occurred in the Prince William Sound region of Alaska