Hi Sisters and Brothers,
I’ve been praying about how to get past a bottle-neck situation in my inside space. I realize that others are struggling with this same thing, and so I’m going to open it up here even though it makes me very uncomfortable. I’m going to write pretty much stream-of-consciousness, and I’m not going to go back and edit much because I think the emotion is important to try to convey.
It has come to my attention that others are in this same place: tired of being attacked in the spiritual realm “inside”, tired of doing battle constantly, even though we have mighty forces inside to help us. Tired of always having to keep our guard up. Just tired. We get sick so often, we are attacked in very special ways because the enemy knows that we can see him so he brings many ugly things just to torment us. We want to give up and let someone else do the fighting on our behalf. But the thing is, it’s our job. We need to keep working on bringing the Kingdom to our own inside spaces, and doing violence to the enemy in order to secure our inside “borders”. Warfare is a natural part of spiritual life, and instead of taking the carnal approach (laziness, fear, grumbling and complaining), we need to bring the spiritual approach into our physical world.
Now that’s it in a nutshell, but let me break it down in a way that your heart can hear me.
Jesus always comes through for my alters: always heals, always provides, always loves and even indulges them in personal time with love, hugs, and small mementoes even, to mark the occasion of healing.
And in my natural life I so often feel that poverty of soul that wishes I could have that kind of love from Jesus to the core of my system – broken, fragmented, struggling, un-beautiful me. I heard that description even as I was typing it, and I know what it speaks of me. But for the moment I am not going to analyze that, because it’s the truth of how I feel right now and it needs to just sit there for a while.
Sometimes I misinterpret Jesus’ intentions, and so I think that He loves my poor alters more than He loves me. They are innocent, and I am not. They struggle, they were victims, and they took all the bad stuff for me. There are so many lies in this paragraph I hardly know where to begin to unravel all of it. But to start with…
My alters ARE me!
The victim WAS me.
I did not deserve ANYTHING that happened to me!
The soothing love, the tender hugs, the washing and clothing in white linen, the ointment applied to my wounds, the baptism, the redemption – all of these things that my various alters have experienced either directly from Jesus or by the ministry of His holy angels – all have instilled in me a sense of the worth HE sees in me, and the value I have in His kingdom. Because I see that my alters, even though they are still separate personalities living in the spiritual dimension, are also part of the Kingdom of God, even as I am.
Funny, knowing they ARE me, I can feel envious, feel they are innocent, and wish I could be there to receive the hugs and love and attention from Jesus that they are enjoying. If there was no other personal indication of the brokenness of my consciousness, and the compartmentalized pieces of me, this is a huge one.
Innocence is not determined by my lack of guilt or any other factor except the Blood of Jesus! I cannot be innocent of every accusation, especially since I am so many personalities that have different ages, different experiences, and different personalities. Even the things that make me (Cate/Grace) feel guilty do not affect other parts of me in the same way. In fact, I even have met a few male alters in my female system. And as each alter comes to the surface to be dealt with, I see different aspects of myself that cause me to wonder. And when we have the privilege to lead one to Jesus, it is like gaining a brother or sister – I feel great joy and peace, and I feel stronger just because we are in the majority! We are a system that belongs to Jesus!
It beggars description – this deep lonely feeling that Jesus must love my alters more than He loves me because here I am on the outside trying to deal with this world full of fearful things, and there are my alters inside enjoying the fellowship, love and attention of Jesus. It’s almost as if I don’t exist. There’s some irony for you.
What is at the heart of this poverty of soul? How can I believe such a thing of Jesus, that He does not love me the way He loves my alters?
The easy answer is that I have believed a lie. But that lie was not told to me in one sentence by a red dude with horns, a pointed tail, a pitchfork and a bifurcated tongue.
No, that lie was told me from the very first day my innocence was plundered by someone who was supposed to love and protect me. The first time someone caused me so much physical pain and fear that I fled from my body and left behind just enough to make sure the body could live. For me, as far as I know, that was at four months old. Of course, I didn’t know any of this on a mental level – that came later as I have re-indexed my mental files to realize that I was alone (I thought) while someone stole life and health and wholeness from me, and WHERE WAS JESUS?
And there, right there, is the problem. The crux of the matter is the dichotomy I perceive – Jesus let me get hurt in the physical realm but heals me in the spiritual realm. Forget for a moment how simplistic that is, and see it from the viewpoint of a child who is desperately trying to hold onto loving her mother who has been brutalizing her from infancy – doing everything she can to please that mother so she will not hurt her every day in ways from small and mean to huge and devastating. Then watch that five year old alter come up, and see Jesus holding her hand and loving her and removing all the painful memories so she can finally rest, and try to explain and justify that to the rest of myself.
The problem of course is that I am looking at things from the wrong side out. The spiritual is the REAL, and the physical feels real but it is a catalyst for growth, healing and true adoption that conforms to the image of God. And until that reality permeates my soul, I will keep feeling like the one who is unwanted and unloved, and I will fail to realize how Jesus is lifting me up by virtue of how he is healing my alters. He doesn’t want them to all integrate with me as I am. He wants the rest of me as I am to change into what He is healing and loving my alters into becoming!
The inner warfare was scary in the beginning! But oh how amazing, and how invigorating! Jesus is always ready to step in and smash the enemy. Not only that, but He is teaching ME how to do it as I observe my guardians at work inside. Jesus has not lost ANY battles on the inside, no matter how fierce they have been. And that knowledge has begun to filter out through my person into the physical realm. I begin to see that the physical realm is so much more affected by the spiritual, and that I can bring the Kingdom of God into this realm simply by doing warfare exactly as I have been taught to wage it in the “inside” space!
The reality is that Jesus has been showing me what He meant when He said that He was only doing (on earth) what He saw His Father doing in Heaven! The Kingdom of God has always suffered violence, and the violent take it by force! I’m beginning to take that authority in a new way to exercise it here because I’m finally learning who I am. And it’s not who I thought I was.
The overweening forces that have tried to rule my life have been FEAR, GUILT, ABANDONMENT, BETRAYAL, SUICIDE, SELF-LOATHING and LONELINESS. Now that I have a handle on how some of these things got entry into my life, I am starting to understand how to get them OUT of my life – my physical life – even as I see them being conquered in my “inside” space! This is tremendously powerful! It means I don’t have to live with the constant nagging of these spirits, and the prodding and poking on my scars looking for a way back in! I can simply watch JESUS deal with every one of these things as He heals my alters, and then I can come into the physical and start doing spiritual battle on the things that are still trying to lay claim to my BODY and SOUL!
See, we know that our weapons are not carnal. Dead meat cannot kill spirits. But SPIRITUAL WEAPONS CAN KILL THE SPIRITS THAT AFFECT THE BODY! So we have to turn our reality on its head, so to speak, and realize that what we see in the spirit HAS TO MANIFEST IN THE PHYSICAL REALM. I can do ALL things through (Christ) who strengthens me!!!
So when I get close to certain times of the year when I am reminded of the damage that was done to me, I do not have to fear that those demons can come and have a party at my expense any longer! INSTEAD I CAN CALL DOWN EVERY ASSET IN THE SPIRITUAL REALM AND NOT ONLY PROTECT MYSELF, BUT ALSO FREE SOMEONE ELSE! And when guilt comes to assail me and tell me that I don’t deserve for Jesus to love me like He loves my alters, I can REJECT THAT LIE, and REFUTE IT WITH THE TRUTH! I am a new creature in Christ – in fact I am so new that it has not yet appeared what I shall become, but I know that when I see HIM I shall be LIKE HIM!
And now, in this moment, I am not dejected, I am not fearful, I am not lonely, but I am ENERGIZED because I SEE that HE LOVES ME EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS HE LOVES MY ALTERS! HALLELUJAH!
This has actually been very cathartic to write. Thank you for listening.
Love in Jesus